Dead Girl Walking
by theoneandonlylaw
Summary: This is my take on how Emma handles the aftermath of the shooting and how her life seems to spiral out of control. This is a darker fic in the beginning but it will hopefully end up capturing your heart by the end. Although it doesn't start off that way it is a semma fic through and through.
1. chapter 1

Dead Girl Walking

 ***An: I have been re watching degrassi, and was sad that there were not only not enough semma moments to satisfy my needs,but that there are so few fanfics as well. So I decided that I would just have to create some on my own. Fair warning, this fic is gonna start off pretty dark. I feel like the way they handled the aftermath of the shooting kind of downplayed the trauma that I think it would have caused. Also, even though I am sticking pretty close to cannon as far as the events that lead up to this fic, some of my characters are going to be a little ooc. I have a general idea of where this story is going, but that being said, sometimes when writing I tend to find myself going in directions I never considered. Any comments, suggestions or concerns are welcome. I know this first chapter is pretty short, but I am going to do my best to update regularly as well as have longer chapters moving forward . I hope you enjoy the ride.***

 ***Present day***

I never thought that anyone could actually die from a broken heart. I mean, I have heard so many girls go on and on about how much it hurts, and I have even first hand felt that pain myself, but never would I have thought that it could actually kill you. That is, not until today. As I lie here on my bathroom floor, and a dark fog begins to cloud my vision, I swear, I can see him standing here, looking at me with those icy blue eyes.

 ***Six months earlier***

Sean Cameron has both, been the love of my life, and the bane of my existence, off and on since grade seven. Once upon a time, I had thought of our story as epic, but nowadays it seems more and more like a tragedy to me. I mean, sure, I am always going to love him, but I don't think I will ever be able to forget the pain he has habitually caused me either. It is crazy to think of all of the things we have been through. From snakes cancer, to him joining jays gang, and most importantly, the shooting. If I had to pick a point where my life truly started to spin out of control, that would be the beginning. Even though it has been almost six months since that horrible day, I can still feel the effects of it. Most nights, I am lucky to get more than a couple of hours of sleep before the dreams come and drag me back into reality. It was a lot worse right afterwords, and my parents were both pretty worried, but I have gotten good at hiding it from them now. In fact, I have gotten pretty good at hiding from everyone. I mean, a girl can only take so much of everyone walking around her on egg shells and looking at her like she is one gust of wind away from falling apart. What's sad, is that was, and still is, pretty close to the truth. The only difference is, now instead of wearing all of those emotions where everyone can see them, I keep them tucked away, only to feel them when I am alone, and can take off my "happy Emma " mask that I wear when I am around people. I know that I should find someone, anyone to talk to about what I am going through, but every time I have tried, it's like someone has stuck a hot iron down my throat making me unable to speak. What's worse is, the one person that i want to talk to, not only moved away, but has taken every measure to let me know that, not only does he not want to hear from me, but couldn't care less that my world is crashing down around me and that I am about to give up and let the current pull me under. Right after the shooting, after we drove Sean to Wasaga, for him to see his parents, I started emailing him when I was having those bad days that I wasn't sure I was going to make it through. And at first he seemed genuinely supportive, but as time went on, he began to push me away, even going as far as to say that I should just be happy that he was there to save my sorry ass and move on. And I know that I have no right to be upset about it. I know that we weren't even dating when it happened and that he was probably having just a hard a time about it as I was, but that small piece of me that never truly let go of him wanted nothing more than to cling to him for dear life. He is the only person who really knew what I was going through. The only person who I think can help me through it, and I am the only person that he never wants to see or hear from again. Sometimes I wonder why he even bothered to save me. But honestly, I don't think that he did. I am a dead girl walking, and no one here even seems to notice.


	2. Chapter 2

Tomorrow is the first day of grade eleven, and honestly, I really couldn't care less. Manny has been going on and on about how awesome this year is going to be, and constantly making plans about what we are going to be doing. I want to be excited, but I just can't seem to find it in me to do so. After the fall out from the shooting, I am not looking forward to being surrounded by all of the people who I know are still judging me from what I did at the end of the year last year. Between my grades dropping, and messing around with Jay, most people seemed to think that I have completely lost my mind. Cause girl has turned into a loser burn out with no future and nothing to be proud of. Honestly, what I am doing now is so much worse, but it does have the advantage of not being known to anyone in my life. I know that I shouldn't care what any of those hypocrites think, but I am barely passing off as better now, and as fragile as I feel, I don't want to risk losing control in front of anyone, and be forced to acknowledge that I am still far from ok.

After the last few emails that I sent to Sean were returned saying that it was no longer a working address, I really started down a path that I don't know how to get off of. If there is one thing I used to pride myself in, it was my composer and my not being someone who drank or took any kind of harmful substance that could hurt my body. But with my only outlet for talking about my issues closed off for good, I started turning to other things that gave me comfort and strength to be " Ok" for all of the people in my life. I never really thought that I would like alcohol as much as I did. I mean, just the smell of it could turn my stomach at one point, but now even just a whiff of it and my whole body relaxes. Since the ravine is to visible of a place for me to go to drink and blow off steam, I have started hanging out on the other side of town, with some of the Lake Hurst burn outs. They don't know who I am, nor do they care that I am there every night, sometimes until the sun comes up. It is kind of nice. With them, I don't have to pretend to be this person who is fine and normal, I can just be me, horrible, broken, dead me.

There is this one guy that is always there when I am, named Damien. He and I have come to an understanding of sorts. In exchange for him not asking me questions, and occasionally supplying me with some emergency provisions on days after my really bad nights, I give him a little servicing from time to time in the back of his dads van that he always seems to be driving. I know that after the whole ordeal with Jay last year that I should have learnt my lesson about this type of stuff, and honestly I don't get any enjoyment out of it. But it also makes me be able to go numb, and not have to feel anything. And it's not like we are going all the way or anything, or that we aren't being safe, so really, I don't see the big deal. A small part of me thinks that I shouldn't be doing it, because of Sean. Sometimes I like to fantasize what it would be like if he were to find out. Would he be jealous? Would it hurt him as much as he has hurt me? Probably not. There is no reason that he should care at all, and that is what hurts the most.

Well, I should probably be getting to bed soon, its already 3 am and I need to at least attempt to sleep if I have to spend the whole day tomorrow pretending to be normal and ok. Honestly, I don't even know why I still write in this thing everyday, and speak to it as though someone is listening. But it is something the counselor had me do last year, and the habit kind of stuck. And besides, I guess it is good to keep record of just how far I am falling down the rabbit hole, before I reach the point of no return.


End file.
